My Memoir: In my 20s

This chapter is dedicated to my future lineage 

 

Love Lessons 

 

Children, 

 

The most lessons I have learned has been through relationships and the way love has formed within it or the absence of it. 

 

Lessons learned through love 

 

Working on relations in my life has been one of the most difficult areas I’ve had to work through. Doing something, I haven’t seen or wasn’t taught.  

 

Self-taught lessons 

 

At 20 years old, fresh out of a relationship where the definition of love got muddied, I realize there’s  always that wisdom there. Where your intuition sparks. 

 

The type of feeling that tells you you’ve been here before. You know what doesn’t sit right and what does The importance of being connected to your body 

 

I’ve decided, in this chapter, to list all the things I wish I was told/wish I listened to for you – my babies – to one day have a point of reference and to be a reminder to myself 

 

Anddd trust me, I’m hard headed. Yes, I was that kid. The had to f*ck around to find out kid. I was told many of these things before the lesson even came. 

 

They used to say, a hard head makes a soft behind. 

 

Of course that is a reference towards spanking which I do not condone and will not let prevail in this lineage any longer, however looking at it from a less physical stance, there are those lessons that leave a stain. That finally pushes you to make a different decision. 

 

As my wise older sister said, “welp Tiff, to get different results, you gotta make different choices…That’s just how it is” I have long appreciated my sister’s blunt directness 

 

So here we are: 

 

Heartbreak…

 

I don’t think the immense pain of accepting the truth/need over your desire/want can be described with words. 

 

I feel grief is one of the strongest emotions & strongest teachers The act of letting go of something you love

 

An emotion that encapsulates every other emotion. 

 

I recently broke up with someone who loved what I gave to them and made them look like (my likeness), not who I was. I’ve seen in many of my relationships, I’m used as a healer, but never respected as a soul. 

 

As Tiffany 

 

Which, now that i think about it, I feel my father used me as a healing force when I was younger. A regulator of his emotions. Him, dependent on my presence to be happy. 

 

Letting go can be more loving than holding on. 

 

Anger: not wanting to accept the truth 

Sadness: reconciling with the truth 

Jealousy: the time & energy given, never to come back 

Happiness: being happy it's over

Gratitude: thankful for the lesson and that it’s over 

Forgiveness: of yourself and of that time 

Grace: forgiveness of that person, realizing you attracted where you were at at the time and that person was just a mirror catalyzing deeper self growth

 

And so on, and so forth. 

 

Grief isn’t linear either.

It takes time and immense patience, and love and grace towards yourself. 

 

I just thought of a christian movie I used to watch as a kid called Joseph: King of Dreams. There’s a part that shows the journey of Joseph’s imprisonment. While there, he nurtured a plant back to life. 

 

I feel that is where I am now. 

 

Having to nurture myself back to life, in the truest self-love, “it’s now time to choose you and build a relationship with yourself” sense 

It’s truly crazy how the concept of a relationship with yourself being available is so foreign. I think of it as nourishing the God within you. 

 

It’s one of the most important relationships you can build. 

 

My dad used to say, “romantic relationships will come. If they truly love you, they’ll wait for you to finish school” 

 

In this new season of my life, I now understand that as “if someone truly loves you, they’ll respect your desire to build yourself, while they do, and wait until you’re ready” 

 

I deserve all the healthy love I should've gotten as a kid 

 

I deserve to give myself that love 

 

I owe young tip the healing she always deserved 

 

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For all my black women children, 

Men, you should read as well

 

You don’t realize the force within you when the world around you, even the people who look like you, tells you you’re nothing. 

 

You don’t realize the healer within you. The creator within you. The philosopher within you. 

 

The multidimensional being within you. 

 

You are a nurturer. You are a griever of many. You are a creator. 

 

Being a black woman on this earth is such a unique experience that not many people will have the bandwidth nor aptitude to understand. 

 

That’s why I say,  love a woman. More so, love a black woman. 

yes, this is for the record your mother/grandmother/aunt is proudly queer. Love who you want, because at the end of the day, it’s the internal that matters, not the external. 

 

Even more so, have black women/girls in your life. As friends, as mentors, as mentees. There’s nothing like someone who can understand you on a level not many can. 

 

My mother used to put a tissue under my nose, tilt my head back, and reach out to the sky praying every time I cried. 

…and the nosebleed would stop. Everytime. 

I cry as I mourn the mother I wish I had all the time. 

 

We come from a life of women who had to pray and use whatever was in the kitchen cabinets to heal. 

 

That’s power. 

 

You come from a line of healers. Alchemists. 

 

That’s where you come from and don’t let anybody try to tell you differently. 

 

Just like anything, however, there’s a flip side. 

 

“With great power comes great responsibility” 

 

My therapist said “the healer life is a lonely one” 

 

There are people who can recognize your healing energy and see that as advantageous for themselves. I’ve been in many a relationship where my healing was used (not necessarily intentionally). I’ve learned to trust your intuition more than someone else’s self awareness. 

In any relationship, whether that be a friend, familial, romantic, or a job even, ask yourself: Do I feel more drained than fulfilled? Look at it truthfully, which is hard to do. You’ll have your answer. 

 

You’ll do a lot of healing of other people, which is ok, it’s a gift, however, more than anything, girl, use that healing power on yourself. And, what I mean by healing power is your energy, your presence, your breath, your thoughts, your words, your time, your creations. 

 

And girl, let me tell you about your creations. 

 

Do you understand God puts a whole being in your stomach to be safely housed as it forms until it is ready to come into this world? That even after it does, a milk that is perfectly curated with what that being needs is developed within your body to nurture that baby. 

Do you understand the gravity of this? 

Now imma keep it frank, but that beautiful portal between your legs: your vagina, creates, protects, and nurtures LIFE. The thing this world is literally made of. The same energy that made the Pleiades. The same energy that tells the waves to move stronger because the moon is feeling even lighter that night The concept of yin & yang, get acquainted with it, because it’s all around you  

 

You are that and you bring that into this world. 

 

Now if I have a child who is a trans women, you may not be able to bring a child into this world, however you are still a nurturer Also who knows how far technology will advance  

 

You have the ability to create not just babies.

 

If you did not know, I am a multi-talented musician and artist. 

 

Creating is my future career. Shoot, a career will have to be created for what I do. 

 

I don’t exactly know where these gifts came from, however I know the key is always in your inner child’s wildest dreams. 

 

The first step is acknowledging/uncovering

 

The second step is deciding whether the risk of the unknown is worth the uncomfortability of trusting God. Are you willing to dive into something few have done not knowing if you will be successful or not? 

 

The third step is defining your idea of success. Before you learned the concept of win/lose, before the grading system, before the projections of others. What is your inner child’s definition of success? 

 

The fourth step is bringing your inner child in the mix. What would they say if you told them this is what you wanted to do? 

 

The fifth step is bringing God in the mix (although God was waitin for you to get to this moment). Ask God for clarity, for wisdom, for strength, for patience, for direction. I like to talk to God as if they were an old woman just sitting there on the porch, rocking back and forth, staring off into the trees. I talk to her like I'm sitting nearby on the stairs, staring too. 

There are many times I miss my nana’s presence. The way she sat in that chair at the end of the driveway watching me learn to ride a bike. All I wanted was her presence and the comfort it brang. 

I talk to God like an elder. 

 

The sixth step is making different decisions to facilitate that creativity if that is what you want. 

 

The seventh step is leaving it to God. Trusting and Letting go: an art form within itself. The words  I have tatted on my fingers. The inner knowing of “God’s got me”. This can be done and I may be the first, but I won’t be the last. 

 

As a child you don’t believe in lack or limitations. That’s learned Journal prompt: what has been nurture  vs nature in your life. 

 

My journey with creativity has been an interesting one.
 

Your creativity is always there. Everyone is inherently creative, they just learn to suppress it. 

 

I was loudly creative as a kid. 

 

I was in jazz and ballet at 5. I sat at my sister’s keyboard and started playing at 5. 

 

Sometimes, I think, I was too loud for my parent’s insecurities….

 

[I was stuck at this point. I wasn’t sure how to continue this section of the chapter. It wasn’t until I watched the sunset with a friend of mine at a park, smoking a J, and talking did I finally realize the connecting rope to this bridge]

 

“...These kids are somethin else, but that’s what the older generation said about us” she said

 

We both laughed

 

I paused and looked up at the clouds something I did a lot as a kid…always thinking…

 

I spoke, 

 

“You think our parents are jealous of our freedom”

 

Cycle unlocked 

Within moments of reflection, there's moments of realization. 

When you start something, even if there’s a momentary block, the clearing will come [the creative process is a spiritual one}

 

My parents wanted to stifle my creativity. This behavior of resenting your kids for having more than you (even though that’s the trajectory you set) is a lack/scarcity mindset that needs to end now. 

 

I’m willing it to end. 

I’m willing to end it. 

Remember the power you have. 

 

Once my parents realized how willful I was, they did something interesting but not surprising. They began using my likeness for their own ego trip 

Pause: Do you spot another pattern?  look in the beginning of this  chapter. Can’t figure it out? Answer below.
 

Instead of laughing at me during my first singing duet at my first concert or taking me out of dance after I made a mistake on stage at my first recital or fighting over who was going to pay for my cello rental or taking me out of piano lessons because I didn’t like to practice but would still walk in there and kill that shit, 

They began to brag about my musical accomplishments to others while reminding me of the part they played in to get me there. My mom would show up to my concerts but in no other area of my life. My dad began to continuously remind me “when you make it big, don’t forget about me in that house on the hill” while putting on this facade that he was the perfect parent compared to my mom. 

20 years later, still resentful. I'm starting to realize there’s no reason to be resentful over something that wasn’t supposed to last in the first place. That’s a true waste of energy. 

I don’t think neither one of my parents knows how to give not expecting anything in return. My dad was like a broken record with saying my mom doesn’t give anything for free, which is true, however the one who constantly cries wolf is usually the wolf themselves. 

Truth speaks for itself. 

I didn’t have a lot of confidence in my creative abilities. I compared myself to other people a lot and did not see my abilities for what they were: AMAZING. I learned to put a mask on, not just with creativity, but life in general. Couldn’t let people know what was going on at home. 

I went on to become a history major (a lot of people ask me why and I was just fascinated with how history repeated cuz you would think after repeating so much, someone would do something different. There was no need for two “world” wars, but that’s a conversation for another time), but soon realized I was tired of daydreaming about what I really wanted to do. You know, that thing you think about in the shower. Or that place you transport to in your uttermost presence. 

Once I decided to commit to what I wanted to do, I dropped out and went in head first thinking someone would just find me and I would be a star. Funny how childish that thinking really was but hell it got me here eventually. 

Good things take time to manifest. 

The out-the-box career path is a patient dynamical one. 

 

Obviously the above plan didn’t exactly work out the way I thought it would. I hit rock bottom (no money, unstable housing, etc), but when life falls apart, it's because a new foundation is supposed to rise. 

Once I made it to Columbus by miracle’s way, I remember reading a book about Woodstock late at night. I imagined myself on stage in an environment full of love and freedom. People there to just enjoy art together and be young and free. 

 

I got a dream that night 

 

A male voice asked me, do you want to do this as a hobby, play gigs every now and then, or as your career? 

 

I didn’t answer with my voice but with my heart.

 Immediately I knew. 

 

Career

 

Then it panned to me being on a video call meeting where someone introduced me as a producer.  

 

I shit you not. God hears. 

 

Everything is always working out for me 

 

It is safe to follow my heart 

 

I have seen & unseen support
 

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The Greatest Travesty was the destruction of the depiction of love in the black community.

 

Therefore, a destruction of the depiction of God 

Therefore, a separating of God 

 

This book includes mourning. Mourning of not just you, but the evils done to your ancestors as well. Maybe mourning should be a daily practice. Not everyone learns to mourn.

As a child, how did  you see love? What did you see love being? What was told to you about love? 

 

After reflecting on this past relationship, I realized what I thought love was, was something I learned from my parents, which was not love at all. I’ve had this theme of my parents and toxic relationships that wanted to use me for my likeness. However, tear me down for it as well. 

I got a dose of what it felt like to be my mom in the relationship with my dad. DRAINED. 

 

EXHAUSTED. 

 

I thank God I’m so protected and that this didn’t last longer than 3 months and that they moved their ass to Florida pre-planned. 

 

Within reflection, I realized the man who I thought gave me the most protection and “love” as a kid, I attracted, because I made that my definition of love. The same man who used to bully me, manipulated my loss of memory, physically and verbally abuse me and his all his wives (3), who reminds me “when you make it big, remember your 

 

father”. 

 

As I settled in this place called Columbus, where my parents met, I embarked on the path of reparenting and unpacking. 

 

The healing journey is never easy, but the most rewarding.

 

There have been times I’ve cried gasping for air, woke up from dreams sweating, attracted leeches, dealt with depression, drove myself to burnout, opened & closed chapters with loved ones, repeated cycles,

 

Yet, I have also made better decisions, discovered different parts of myself, nurtured my inner child, planted seeds of different dreams, found the things that fulfill me, have become fed up enough to know what I deserve, shown up for myself, 

 

Healing. 

A beautiful ting. 

 

Learning to love yourself for as you are, realizing you’re a beautiful work in progress. 

 

Grace is something I wasn’t really taught. My foster mother was such a mother and showed me what it meant to have grace and what giving without expecting return was by showing it to me. 

 

I still struggle heavily with giving myself grace. It’s something that is so essential in the healing journey to keep it pushin. 

 

My foster mom once said to me, “you gotta let the past go” 

 

I didn't understand what she meant at the time but I now understand it’s a forgiveness of pain to be present in making different decisions. 

 

I am learning to give myself grace 

 

I am learning to give my emotions space 

 

I am making different decisions for my wellbeing and the beings after me

 

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Answer: unhealed patterns within love with yourself/parents (our first teachers of love will show up in your other relationships, specifically romantic