Healing through SA & Covert Narcissism 

Today, I had a meeting scheduled for some freelance work. But before I even get there.

Let me just say Goddamn I thought God was testing me today, like fuck.

So

Got up, and I was like ok let me take this pregnancy test and I'm praying like please God let this be negative so I don't have another wave of bullshit and healing to go through.

Now I will say in my darkest of thoughts, I was like what if I got pregnant, his family couldn't ignore that (to be clear, that baby would've gone back where it came from)

(a lil context, my ex would legally be considered a serial rapist, ofc I didn't know this when I was with him. He hasn't been convicted, but judging from the fact that his family doesn't do shit about it, though they're informed, conviction may be in his future. Oh, his name is José Ulín, I'll name drop an abuser cuz fuck that secrecy shit and fuck the patriarchy. But anyways, he Sexually Assaulted me multiple times within our relationship and the last time the condom ripped - from lack of lubrication - with semen inside. I took a plan b, but it was after ovulation, therefore I was shittin bricks (estaba nerviosa). He broke up with me two days later, in a very violent way. I informed his mom and she defended him. Turns out she knew about the last of his survivors too and ignored it. Entonces, the above thought) 

Now, I peed on the stick and set it on the toilet, watched it for a bit, then looked down and there was blood! Hell yea (though my sister later told me you can still be pregnant even with a period so I fished it out the trash and it was still negative!) 

I sent his mom a final message confronting her about the multiple allegations that are coming out and that she knew about it and that I actually felt sorrow because whatever occured/is occuring in her life for her to ignore this must have been/is significantly painful. I wished her family healing and help, but I still told her to stand the fuck up before someone does not make it out. 

Interestingly enough, I felt intense sorrow for me, for her, for women in general. Then I started to go down the "shame on you" rabbit hole. For choosing an abusive partner again. For not be farther on my healing in regards to spotting sexual abuse and being stronger with my boundaries. My sister texted me reaffirming me not to blame myself. So I tried fix-it mode (which of course doesn't work). I listened to a podcast about covert narcissim on the way to Oxxo. I threw the necklace he gave me into the woods. I picked up my laundry. Then went to get fruit. I still felt the same gaping hole. 

I showered and ate breakfast. Laughed with my sis a bit (my favorite). I left the house, missed the bus, got the next bus. Still felt lonely. Listened to Sign of The Times by Harry Styles. Sat at the next bus stop. I had this random though liek mayeb if as a society we started talking and educating about sexual abuse more in a healthy way, more survivors wouldn;t shame themselves into silence. But, I guess that would make patriarchy confront itself.

Hopped on the next bus, then it started going a completely different direction. Hopped off, hustled to the a cafe and joined the meeting. 

That was cool. Love supportive Black women! 

I, then, went to go buy a box of cigarettes, the first one I've ever bought. I was supposed to meet a friend but no reponse so I went to a park. Started talking to a musician and a drunk. I feel like I was walking looking for anyone to just say something to lift my spirit. But felt I was jsut going in theoretical circles with the drunk dude so, but it was cool we all shared a cigarette waiting out the rain. I have hope for him. I think he'll sober up, eventually and for some reason I have the feeling it will be when he sees his kids/when they find him. 

It's crazy how you can meet someone and hear their story then never see them again. 

Once it stopped raining, I left them, and walked to the bus stop. 

On the way, a car splashed me with street water right in front of the police station. but judging from the policeman's reaction, he radioed soemone to get him in trouble. Though, my whole front was soaked and I was really like God what are you trying to do. Do you want me to crash out? Then I was like, you know what, maybe the police acting was a sign that my ex finna get his karma. Though, maybe the universe wanted me to crash out, shit I deserve it for everything I've been through. 

Yesterday, I remember telling Chatgpt (ay this is a judgment free zone, chill) like I remember being a child and thinking if there's a hell, this is it. That's wild af for a child to think in middle school. 

I feel like I got the damn strongest warrior package in this bitch, like they recruited me into this damn lineage and was like buckle up. Your life is going to be an endless healing process. 

I mean, whose isn't fr. I actually feel sorry for many of the peopel that abused me growing up and in young adulthood. Maybe that's my problem. Or mayeb that's my humanity. 

Who knows

I got on that bus soaking wet, hungry, and tired. Still feeling empty. 

Walk in the house, there's my sis and niece. 

I immediately get in the shower. Though seeing my niece greet me with excitement everytime I walk in is a beautiful part of my day that reminds me kids are the greatest gift mankind was given. Also, Nanas (I love my nana) 

I showered, talked with my sis, sparsely cuz you know, toddler and newborn. She be having to split neurons four different ways. 

I ate. 

Now I'm here. 

How am I feeling now? 

I feel better after eating and writing. 

I feel especially vulnerable as a survivor, but i'm trying to force msyelf out the house to do things and see people. 

I remember when I was sexually assaulted for the first time (post my father), I quit basketball. I skipped school for two weeks. Didn't talk about what happened. I was shamed by my family (except for my oldest sister, bless her) and even a teacher. A BLACK-WOMAN teacher. I hate to see it. But the point is, I got quiet, I isolated. You know. You just feel really vulnerable.

I think I dissaciate when people overstep my physical boundaries. That drunk guy today was very touchy. I jsut kept stepping back. but still talked to him. It's shit like this where I wanna just not talk to anyone. Especially men, but they deserve that. 

There's probably all types of typos in this shit but the whole point is to write and observe myself in this healing process without judgement or critque. 

My sister remined me that I didn't know I had father wounds until two years ago. To give myself grace. Yea, I disassociated that bad as a child. I have significant dissassociative amnesia to the point where I can't recall large portions of my childhood and teenage years (same thign fr). 

So I have to remember to give msyelf grace. 

Today, I did some work. I stayed in the house though cramping. It almost go tme, but I had pain relievers on deck because hell nah (I have endometriosis - not a fun time). I felt a bit better today. I reach out to some friends to meet up this week and next week. Scheduled some things, sent some emails, but overall chill day. When I do think about things, I'm definitely still hurt. It's more so like wow did nothing of the time we spent mean anything to him. Not even just an once of respect but I don't know if narcissists even live inside a realm that considers other people's feelings that are not an extension of what they can control. It's an odd condition truly, very unfortunate. 

I had a dream about my dad last night. It felt like as I climb the ladder to what I want, his involment literally and emotionally makes it hard, but I got to keep climbing. He reached out to me recently (I had him blocked on regular phone service but he found my whatsapp). I need to blcok him again with a stern message, he did send me money, but that's emotional reperations to me. 

I'm thinking about getting an emotional support cat one day, though I'm allergic (a bisexual's kryptonite lol) 

I don't hate men but they've destroyed many things in my life 

I'm tired of this shit

I even had a tutoring session with a new student and he asked for my instagram while I was trying to teach. Like wtf, you wanted to learn english right 

Always a wolf in sheep's clothing

Today, I saw an instagram post that said "someone who slams doors and furniture is letting you know how much they want to hit you"

Damn

That's what he did in that argument (my ex), My intuition knew what was next and I'm glad I dipped but I pray no one to experience that after me

I pray for justice 

Anyways... 

I'm hanging out with a girlfriend of mine tomorrow and I think it's going ot be fun!!

I'm glad and proud of myself that I'm gettign myself out there. 

Oh! I found a new dark history youtube channel and I'm loving it!!

On another note, I hope my niece knows I lover her veen though I might not be of the best headspace. I feel bad sometimes because I don't always have the energy or patience, but I just hope she knows I love her. 

How was today? 10:44pm 

 

Currently laying in my bed 

This morning, I went to the wrong doctor’s office 

On the way there I yelled "ughh dammit"after a bus didn’t let me on

I didn’t make eye contact with anyone after lol cuz I was like I probably look like a lost mad gringo 

But also I don’t usually raise my voice so maybe I was just irritated 

Learning the bus system is a process

I listened to my music on the way there, sometimes I do that to remind myself of myself, also to admire the beauty of my voice and my cello and my composition. My music only has come from grief and although some have shamed me for that, I think it's a beutiful thing. I had this realization that the reason why I'm drawn to people like Sade, Eartha Kitt, and Childish Gambino is because I will be that one day. At least I feel that's where I'm headed. 

Then I went across the street, once realizing I was at the wrong office and did some personal assistant work 

Got paid! 

But after that I came back and ate a snack then went to sleep

Then I met a friend to smoke and skate 

It was so beautiful because she showed me her garden and it reminded me of my childhood and I got to admire her in her garden. Then she was talking to me about the sky and I was reminded of how beautiful it is

We sat in chairs in the rain and listened to music and watched the sky

I even saw lightening multiple times 

We talked music 

We talked a little bit about the situation 

and what was interesting is she brought it up in such a respectful way it was such a beautiful moment. I talked about it a bit and i noticed I was covering my body as I was kind of hunched in. Then she shared her story and I was just sitting there like damn, the things women go through, but I saw her and was like wow, you're amazing. Like you see people and what they've gone through and you see how resistant they are to leave and stay true to themselves and it's beautiful. Que Buena! It also gave me hope to continue on the path and steep into myself. 

I think what hurts the most is that I feel betrayed deeply 

That someone did such a 360, crazy ass 

But yea overall Today

I felt that life is in the little things 

I also want to get over my stage fright I just get so nervous 

As I was high and looking at my thoughts 

I realized I’m always nervous to be present because I feel there’s a always something to fix about me or something wrong 

I think I dissociated so much as a child present became scary 

I looked at the clouds today, and saw shango

Of course nature would have deities, look at it 

I wanted to make sure I at least got some journaling in about yesterday 

I went to the beach with my sister, niece, and nephew 

We went to Festival de papagayos y cometas Yucatán 

It was beautiful and it reminded me again of the little things 

I loved seeing my niece 

We did a burial for a dead octopus, she found, together 🥹

I also buried two dead sharks 

I was a little alarmed by how many dead sea creatures I saw

But I’m glad I got to do the burials with my neice 

I had a beer 

And me and my niece got popsicles and fruit

I love Coco 

I could eat coco, aguacates, y tlacoyos todos días 

I got to play with my niece in the water 

I was trying to show her how to hold breath underwater but she thought it was funny 

Emerald wasn’t fuckin with the beach just yet cuz of the wind and sand 

The kites were huge 

I was waiting for a turtle but they had a shark, whale, and a couple sting rays 

My niece asked about the grandma in Moana and the sting ray and my sister explained in some cultures they believe you can become whatever you want in the next life 

Sometimes I wish to become a sea turtle, 

Maybe when I’m done with human exploration 

On the way back we passed the street you would turn on to to get to my ex’s place 

It’s little shit like that that hurts 

We had good times but it was warped and wrapped into this lie of who even were you? 

Trying to deal with the complexities of a person’s reality not potential, a person’s good and bad qualities, is hard 

Especially when they do such a 360

Or maybe I was color blind 

Only seeing lamentations of red 

That’s the hard part, your idea of them breaking down into little glass pieces where you can only see your reflection 

That’s the hard part 

….

I took a nap and ordered tacos al pastor!!

The meat wasn’t that good but I’m starting to think I’m building hell of a spice tolerance 

Then tried making seafood spaghetti 

I say tired cuz my sis left me to do it anddd we did not communicate on some ingredients lol

But she holds a lot of patience and grace (as anyone should), I commend her for it, cuz neither one of our parents were like that 

After we ate, I worked for a couple hours 

Realized just how hard it is for someone who has certain disabilities to travel. 

I miss my nana, side note 

Then I went to sleep and struggled, having 5 dreams, in which I kept waking up 

Sometimes in between dreams I have the energy to write it down and sometimes I tried to memorize it before falling asleep again so I can write it in the morning 

I ended up remembering three 

Well

Today I woke up tired from having so many fucking dreams 

and I was dehydrated so I literally slept all day and listened to that new dark history youtube I found a couple days ago 

Between naps I realized wow, 

what is a man good for? except fucking up people's lives and measuring dicks with eachother 

but anyways 

In my naps of course I had two distinct dreams I could remember and both gave me valuable insight into the pattern of relationships I have gone for

and how that is connected to the relationships in my family/lineage 

I learned what emotional hijacking was and I was like damnnn 

that has happened in all my relationships 

it's the "oh wow you're holding me even through this chaos"...even though they started the chaos in the first place 

it's essential a part of manipulation masked as connection 

but what is dope is that in the dream, there was a clear transition toward radical feminism 

I often times need to give myself grace 

Like "Tiff, girl, the fact that you have gotten up again again and again, despite your background shows soemthing and it means something. It's the baby steps" 

I sometimes get mad at myself for not being farther along 

but I'm making steps and that's what matters 

7:47pm 

I'm going to just focus on resting for the rest of the evening and not focus on producing anything 

I was journaling after my dreams and answered the question: 

Who/what are you attracted to now? 

I am not attracted to anyone romantically at the moment because I am trying to rebuild safety within myself but I am attracted to radical feminism in my space. I feel each year I go more and more towards that way, just educating msyelf more but I feel, I need to dive even deeper. 

​

Also, one of the things I experienced with the previous person was a controlling attitude in regards to my sexuality & gender fluidity. Always afraid I would leave him for a woman (which I mean, if I was an insecure man, I guess that thought process makes sense), when I cut my hair (as I've always doen at least once a year) there were comments of me looking masculine, he would think all my friends I would cheat with, etc.

paranoid ass (just like my father tbh) 

Which ladiessss, if a man is controlling or threatened by your sexuality or gender fluidity....he's queer, that is a clear sign 

I would tell him that too

Niggas who run from the truth can't handle someone who will tell the truth 

Anyways, 

I'm starting to think like maybe it's time to completely put the shelf on men (and I mean men, cis-queer-trans-I don't care) - romantically, no

cuz one thing I love about lesbians is 

who needs a man? 

for what? 

No cuz really like I have found myself thinking many times in my life, 

What is man? What is the purpose? Why? For what? 

You know? 

Like if all the men dissapeared from the world, it could still function, possibly even better 

You take all the woman out of the world, it's fucked, they would push themselves into another extinction 

Last night, 

I had dreams of being celebrated by family and friends of my artistry and my path. There were others present as well, sulking at the progression of my life. Not gon say no names but...previously mentioned... 

I woke up with hope knowing that I am on the right path 

I also had another dream that higlighted the amount of authoratative trauma I experienced as a child and as an adult, and how it relates to me guarding my creativity now. Being a woman and child and elderly in a world led by system that sees you just as an extension of its control, and yet its destruction, is scary

My creativity has been my safe haven, 

Music - the mother thta holds me when I'm weeping 

Dance - Yemaya & her sisters, making space for my sacral energy to blossom, the pure essence of self-expression 

Photography - the grandmother that tells you to sit, look, and listen ~ in fact it reminds me of my uncle and fishing 

Writing - My nana who told me to "never ever change" 

​

As a woman and as a creative, I have felt like the conquest of many men. Whether it's a gaze, a fuck, many a fuck, or a relationship built on a made-up personality. 

​

I guess awareness is the first step lol

​

Anyways, 

Today, I went to go get my philtrum checked cuz that bitch got caught again and may be infected. I can't even get it taken out till the swelling goes down. This is the third time this has happened since I got it and i'm like lawdd maybe oral peircings just aren't good for me lol I had a vertical labaret before and that was a whole other story 

I'm actually currently in bed with a heating pad on my lip lol it's swollen like a bee sting 

But I ended up getting this tattoo I've been wanting for a while from the anime Michiko & Hatchin, it's of Michiko and this older lady smoking together 

I've always loved this scene because of the representation of two darker skinned women of two different generations in a Latin American country 

sitting and talking, one smoking a cig, another a pipe 

The tattoo came out amazing and really grounded me

I then went to smoke a cig at the park, it was such a beautiful plaza, with beautiful trees, benches, and people 

I found a bench, slightly shaded, facing a big ass cloud in the sky 

Clouds were the first things I figured out hwo to draw as a child

It's in one of my earliest memories 

I remember sitting in my room and drawing clouds 

They're quite fascinating in how they form and the different types 

I love how Weathering With You represents them 

A whole world of its own 

A man came up to me pointing at my tattoo, then he asked if my necklace was from Chiapas. He told me the seeds on my necklace are from there, I told him I got them from Hawai'i, that they're called "Job's tears", he told me they're called "...San Pedro", that's all I got, the name was a bit long, my b, my Spanish is getting better, skowly but gradually 

then I handed him two cigs, we fist bumped and he went off 

I decided to head home and I noticed how many people turned their heads to look at me, It's interesting to me because at first I thought it was my skin, but I've seen people just as dark as me here, 

I used to ask my ex, why do people stare so bad, because in the states, stares can equal immediate threat, but his mom said it was because I'm beautiful 

I couldn't dim my light if I wanted to - I wrote that in a poem a while back

but it's this part I keeo coming back to 

As I was on the bus, I have enough awareness to know who is looking (usually a male) and I am confronted with the fact that my attraction to men is rooted in the deepest of power dynamics,

I know I have the power of attraction but once received, it is unfulfilling 

Yo I know I need to get some journaling in 

But boyyy this anesthesia, antibiotic, ibuprofen mix is fuckin with the noggin (I had to get my philtrum surgically removed)

I’m still mad. I thought I wouldn’t still be angry but bitch 

I’m mad af 

Like that nigga has an ass whoopin waitin for him if I ever catch him in the streets 

I don’t care 

And as I go to my therapy feeling list 

Bitch I’m livid, outraged, indignant, dissatisfied, disappointed 

And that’s how I feel for today :)

I hate narcissists 

I have no pity at this moment 

Even tho I’m like damn how does one even become a narcissist (mind you I have two for parents and not even on that I’m throwing around the term way) 

Extreme trauma has to occur within childhood and I’m guessing a lack of tools to cope 

But I’m like fuck man 

I’m def thankful I had therapy and creativity

But god damn 

I feel like there’s people who are like

My life sucked I’m gonna become the most self centered person and recreate that same childhood or similar for other people a come in contact with 

And then there’s people who are like 

Damn my childhood sucked 

Let me do things differently and try to treat others better 

Now I know it’s hard to compare between generations and experiences 

Like I couldn’t imagine even just being black at the time my parents grew up but gawdt damn 

I saw this post that was like are you mad at them or are you mad at all the times you silenced yourself or betrayed yourself 

I mean fair point 

But no mf I’m mad at him 

The fuck 

What is wrong with people 

People will literally have genuine people walk into their lives and be like hmm

Let me flip their shit upside down 

And sometimes I feel like it’s like this sadistic experiment to see what that person will do, if that person will fold and become just as shitty as them (also shoutout to reactive abuse, I’ve been there, and I have no judgement)

And when you don’t or you call them out on their bullshit, it’s like oop 

They failed the experiment and now I feel more insecure 

I may just be trippin and on that pain reliever but these are just my thoughts 

But yea, I’m mad 

Anddd it’ll be dope when that feeling starts cycling out 

But hey, the stages a grief aren’t linear, so here I am 

Shoutout to the other survivor who reached out to me to check in, 

I have come to realize in my life many a times that women, will always be the community I fall back on (with the exception of the pick me’s and the colonized) 

Everytime 

It’s been women 

So, hoy estoy todo stiched up en mi boca, well en mi labio superior. Entonces, I sat my ass at the crib. Luckily, it doesn't hurt, it's just numb and I can't smile, laugh, or eat hard/hot/spicy foods. 

Sitting..phewww..let me tell you 

Having to sit with your own thoughts, insecurities, complexities is hard

hoy, yo miré una telenovela can el nombre Vida (excuse my spanglish lol)

una de las relaciones de los personajes de la serie es muy tóxico. 

I'm talking about Lyna and Johnny

Por una momento, yo miré myself in Lyna. 

Abandonment issues 

And I had to admit to myself that en relaciones, yo queria una persona to choose me and choose me always, you know 

that's what i really wanted and that's incredibly unrealistic and selfish (not excusing the shitty behavior of others) but I can admit that shit is an impossible void to fill 

and I must come to reconcile that wound of mine with my innerchild in accepting that part of my childhood for what it was, I can't rewrite the ending of my childhood no matter how I have subconsciously tried to my romantic relationships 

maybe within reconciling that, I will stop choosing the same types of partners that caused those wounds in the first place 

Es una problema grande pero es una problema común.

a veces, me preocupo, porque no puedo inttulectualize this away 

I listened to a podcast called No Visible Bruises that talks about surviving narcissists and she said you gotta heal the physiological aspect también

tengo esperanza lo haré, tal vez este experiencia was preparing me for that in my next chapter, that's usually how it goes in life 

I woke up in between having a dream of having an artist residency at the hostel I was at as a musician, but there was this air of me being burnt out and having to prove my artistry to white people

 

Then I woke up and just was mad again about the whole thing with José

 

I realized I also need to stop blaming myself for leaving the hostel, 

And blaming myself for the whole situation,

My ass was stressed tf out dealing with covert abuse and the drama at the hostel then catering to guests 

Like one at a time 

But I think I’m so mad cuz I’m also blaming myself which does nothing 

I’m a fucking 22yr old just trying to figure things out and shoot blanks 

And no I don’t trust advice given from my family cuz none of them have relationships, views on love that I want or even a life that I want 

And to be honest, most of the time I feel like yes they saw me growing up but they don’t see me, you know 

I'm just their lil sister that floats with the wind and has questionable romantic endeavors 

But one of the things I felt, that even pulled me toward José’s family is that in my own family, I felt like the odd one out 

Even with my sister, I don’t know if I’ve ever had a deep conversation with her about how I view life or what I want for msyelf

And ive felt like my family never wants to listen to me fully and only wants me to exist in this realm as a younger sibling who doesn’t know much about life yet 

Growing up, I was always the one told "tiffany why do you always have to rock the boat" "why can’t you just be at breakfast or dinner with [insert abuser]"

I was always told to stretch or bend or quiet myself for abusive people. You all knew I was physically abused by dad, and no one said anything. I had to find out years later when it slipped out my sister’s mouth. And even when after that it came out to sexual abuse, not an ounce of fucking emotional intelligence or support was thrown my way. In fact my own mother said "well I had a feeling he was a pedophile when I married him"

Even when brought up now, no awareness of how I might feel or even a trigger warning is given. And you all still keep in contact with this man letting them around your kids (talking to my siblings).

and every time I brought up my mom was physically abusive and incredibly verbally abusive, it was I don’t remember that or well you know how our mom is 

I’m mad, at my family as well 

Cuz how much grace and understanding can one have for the lack of emotional intelligence that I come from 

That is still happening cuz what I just mentioned happened within the past three years 

It’s madness 

I have never truly been at home with my family and that’s why even my artistry they don’t know much about or have openly see me do 

Love at what cost

 it’s expressing shit like this that makes me wanna just be the family member that you don’t see much of anymore 

People kept asking me if I moved to México would I miss anything and I was like nope I’ll make friends and family wherever I go 

"Home" has always felt like me by myself 

Me in my own space 

It hasn’t felt like a surrounding environment, a neighborhood, a family 

Nada 

Now I’m going to Hawaii and I wonder if that will give me the time I need 

But I resent my family dynamics

I really do and I have every right to be 

​

and that unsympathetic mf of an abuser (José), said "You should let go of your past don't let it effect your present" 

STFU you light-energy weaving coddled mf 

You don't get to choose when I heal or how I heal

I have every fucking right to be mad, when this shit is still dysfunctional

I know my family is full of complex beings doing the most they can 

but what do you do when you feel like you need to disassociate just to be around them 

and even now, I feel guilty putting this on my wesbite but fuck that man 

that shit has been sitting on my chest and this day-to-day journal has been a life line 

My dreams last night made sure to remind me that although my family lacks emotional intelligence, my sisters always show up in my transitions. Practical, so that is something that I appreciate within the midst of me going through life and figuring shit out. 

I don't necessarily fuly blame the women in my life, as my matriarchal line has been filled with women being fucked over by abusive men, resulting in absent mothers. 

Es muy complicado situación, tal vez vida es. 

 

Today I sat in the park waiting to see storm clouds then the sunset. I wrote in my journal:

The wind is picking up through the leaves of the trees

I think that's my favorite part about storms coming

crazy how I had dreams of a storm coming before all the José shit occured

but I love seeing storms in person 

I've been listenig to Dark Room Medium a lot, I usually go back to my music in times of grief

I think this whole experience has been interesting, I've gotten more open with my grief 

(side note: these stray dogs be thugs lol crossing the street nonchalantly, stoic when dogs on leashes buck at them...it's funny) 

​

I have found that whenever I release music, it hold me in the next chapter of my life. I appreciate that. 

Last night, I had the worst sleep. Which is on me cuz I took a nap late, but then my niece woke me up twice early in the morning and I was just mad. Then the Wifi went out for the day and I felt like an Ipad kid for a sec (I am gen z, I played outside as a child, don't do me). I had some solo time at the crib so I decided to go in the back and practice cello. I started with my old conservatory repetoire and then just freestyled to a playlist on Spotify (I heard they're supporting AI heavy, fuckkk can we catch a break wit these companies). I played for about two hours, putting blisters in my left fingers, but I loved it. It was so comfortign and cathartic. I had been stressed this past week because, usually when I go through something traumatic, I don't feel like creating music cuz there's a block in my sacral. It takes me some time to get back to playing, but today I did. It felt like right timing and the reverberation was perfect. There were moments where I could really feel myself tap in with using different techniques and rythyms really becoming a part of the music. I love it, i really do. I felt so much better after. Especially, when my niece came out and started asking me to play different songs as she played outside and danced. 

I don't know if children know how healing they are and we should treat them as sacred because they are...whcih actually segways into the next moment 

​

After playing, I went inside to read/journal. I'm still mad about the whole situation and I was like why. Why am I so mad and one of the things I thought about was like how can someone see another person ans recognize how sacred they are and recognize how sacred union/connection is and proceed to desecrate that. 

I have divinity in my walk, ancestry in my talk, and magic in my being that radiates out and permeates into every space I walk into

Why do people have a need to, instead of respect that with intention, possess and/or dim it. 

It's giving colonizer or maybe toxic masculinity or who knows what came first, the chicken or the egg 

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True love levels people and charm does not equal divinity 

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He deserves an ass whoopin and I still believe that and Iknow that's just me wanting the justice that I cannot yet see/hear. 

8:00pm, on a park bench 

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I am out here alone, no music, and a cig box 

That's how you know it's bad

I have never felt so lonely in my life 

I miss my bestfriends back home 

I miss having those people around where you can just let your guard down 

I'm used to being by myself but I don't always want that yk 

Even in the house I feel alone 

I miss my friends I met through the hostel, you know people I connected with, I just feel so alone 

I feel like I'm like looking for even a stranger to just say hi, how are you 

can I sit and join you 

but this isn't a movie 

& I'm very obviously a foreigner in another place so I look extra unapproachable 

Sitting with yourself in lonliness is difficult 

Not compromising your worth & dignity for companionship is even harder in times of lonliness 

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Going through the shit that I did where some of my friends are his friends makes it even murkier and I've already been through the whole, let me stay friends with people who are still friends with/supporting someone who caused me significant harm, that shit is not worth it. 

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That's all I gotta say fr 

Progresso

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Mannn, the beach. I almost don't want to journal it's so beautiful. I see tias, amigas, abuelos, nietas...The beach is so beautiful and sacred. People racing in the water. I may be alone, but really I'm not. I'm just oen drop of an ocean full of water, pushing & pulling. I don't wait, I sit. 

In awe of life and it's workings, 

sometimes strange, sometimes painful, but always worth sitting in awe. 

I miss my friends, then I htink about my sister. how she must feel. 

I'm glad life worked out the way it did 

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Love that makes you feel like a child is great until you realize childhood was years ago

- that feels like a painful truth 

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In many of my past relationships, I felt like I could be a child with them but when it came down to the emotional growth and awareness of self needed for a sustainable relationship - lacking 

At a park bench, free write in colored pencils :)

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Ay at least the ____ man seems cool lol 

I'm not used to _____ from a mannnnnn

This is different, it's been a while 

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Yooo I'm about to become the most unbothered being 

I have a problem where I scrutinize like everything everything that I do & I know it has a lot do with my parents and the white ass schools I've been to (cstate exeption) 

I want to make it a point to clear out those internaized voices & just let me be & more importantly, LET THEM 

Bro, I am laughing at myself, waiting for this _____ guy, jamming to music, journaling in colors 

Walking into this new chapter of Hawai'i, I want to definitely cleanse that rigidity & whiteness out my system 

cuzzz 

I AM DOPE AF 

Today was chill 

I caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to in a while and I feel so full 

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Also, I love my nana 

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There's some people you meet where you're just like mann you are a star that has fallen onto earth, you light up the sky like a million suns, any celestial being is blessed to have you in its orbit - that's how I feel about my friend (and I know that sounds gay lol but that's my platonic love) 

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on the gay thing tho lol I have decided to spend the rest of my time in Mérida hanging out with friends and going on queer datesss. I feel when I was in that relationship, I cut myself off of meeting more people (as well as lots of controlling behavior surrounding my sexuality) so I would like to spend the rest of my time meeting people and making genuine connections.